When I was getting ready for my first big move abroad, there are a lot of things I prepared for mentally; culture shock, homesickness, a new job, learning a new language, a new time zone and new friends. There were also things I had not thought about or prepared for mentally and emotionally, losing friends from back in the US, while some of my relationships strengthened through my move and living abroad, others have languished and disappeared.
All relationships are a two-way street and they naturally evolve and change over time, moving to a new country can exacerbate that. Time zones can make it difficult to find time to video chat as both parties are going to be at different places throughout their day. When I’m in Asia, there’s a 12-13, hour time difference with my family, so one of us is up early and one of us is up late. I might shoot off a text to a friend in Italy or the UK, in the middle of the day for me, but that could be early in the morning for them. I’ve had to learn to not expect an answer right away when I text, but I had to learn to manage the expectation of when I’d get that text back.
Once you move abroad, you see your old friends and family as often, I typically travel back to the US once a year. While distance isn’t always a factor in friendship, my best-friend and I have been long-distance besties since we graduated college, when you stop seeing your friends on a regular basis, texting them and talking to them can slip to the back of your mind.
it’s no longer a priority to keep in touch with people who take more effort and you (and the friends you left behind) tend to focus more energy on the friends that are more accessible. If you’ve moved to a new country you are actively trying to build a friend circle around you, because that is important to your new life. On both ends of the friendship, people can feel neglected and left behind by a friend who seems to be moving on with their life and away from that relationship.
As you’re moving into your life in your new
country, your life is naturally moving away from who you were before and sometimes the friends you have. You’re experiencing a new country, culture, learning new perspectives and that can really encourage a lot of growth in you as a person in a short period of time. As this growth happens, you may find that you have less in common with your old friends and more in common with the friends you’re making in your new home. It can also be harder to relate to your friends back in your home country, I moved abroad and while I’m traveling around the world and exploring my new country, trying all kinds of new things and really enjoying my hobbies, most (not all) of my friends back in the US are getting married, buying houses, and having kids. Our lifestyles have become very different, so there are just less topics that we have in common.
Coming back for visits can highlight the changes in relationships even more. When I’m in the US, I’m typically only there for a short period time and on my first trip back I felt like I was sprinting. I was trying to spend time with my family, friends, and dealing with jet lag. People would want my time, but not be very considerate about me at the same time. I’ve always described that experience of my first visit back to the US like this: it’s like when someone has an exotic pet, they trot it out for friends to see at a party and shove it out of sight the rest of the time. I’d moved from being a friend that was talked to on a regular basis, to “this is my friend who lives abroad” and it was surprising and hard to see a friendship shift like that.
At some point you realize that you need to make choices about what relationships to keep putting work into, because they are more work. That process isn’t easy, and it can be painful, possibly for both individuals. With the relationships that I’ve let go of, I’ve never had those people reach out and try to reconnect, which lets me know that deciding to let those friendships languish and come to their end was the right decision, no matter how bitter, sad, or upset I felt about it at the time.
On the flip side, the friendships that I’ve
maintained I feel are even stronger and some of them are honestly with people who I thought would drift away. Some of those friends are people that I already had a level of long-distance friendship with. I mentioned my best friend, who I met in college and after graduating we lived in different states. I’d call her my rock friendship, even though we’re living in different countries and going through different things, at the end of the day she’s one of the first people I reach out to when something is going on and barring me sending a text at 3am (her time) she texts me back pretty quickly. When you’re an expat, having that really solid friendship to go back to for support and comfort, even if they’re far away is super important.
Another important friendship that has lasted is a friend from my job in high school. We went to college in different states and lived in different states after graduation, so that long distance friendship was already established before I moved out of the country. Even though most of our interactions are via text, he’s still always been one of the first people to realize when something is going on with me, even if I haven’t vocalized it. And that’s important to have in a friendship, because we’re not always able the best at sharing things. He’s also always asking when I’m coming to visit, because it’s important to him that we do see each other.
Not all of my friendships that have lasted
have had a long-distance element prior to moving abroad. Two of the other core friendships that I’ve maintained were not, they’re both individuals I worked with at some point and we had a lot more in person interaction and chances to hang out prior to me moving. We still make time to make sure we’re texting and keeping in touch, as much as I’ve had so many experiences abroad that have changed me, they’ve had a lot growth and change through what’s going on in their own lives. Again, we make an effort to see each other when I’m in the states and they are conscious of the facts that I might be jet lagged, that I’m vegetarian now and that I’m here to spend time with them and not their other friends.
When you make that exciting move to a new country it’s important to manage your expectations in many things and how your existing friendships may change or even end, needs to be on that list to help you mentally and emotionally when those things do happen.
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